At Home on Hill Haven

Musings, ramblings, and pontifications on motherhood, unschooling, farming, sustainability, spirit, and life in general...

Location: northwest Georgia, United States

I'm a living-working-breathing mom, writing, mothering, teaching, and soul-searching from our home in northwest Georgia. We are whole-life unschoolers, which basically means our kids actually have a say in what happens to them (it actually means infinitely more than that, but's it's a starting point for discussion). We are also hardcore environmentalists, anti-industrialists, trying to escape from our dependence on petroleum, manufactured products and other non-sustainable practices. We homebirth, homeschool, and homestead, and try to make sense of it all, in a constant whirlwind of chaos.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Wrong Way Around

So I homeschool, right? And I homebirthed, twice. And we homestead, sort-of. You might say I'm a homebody. You might expect that of me, you might think that's what I like best; after all, these are my lifestyle choices. But as it turns out, that's not exactly true for me. Most of my "mom friends" are stay-at-home moms. They seem content. They certainly seem happier than me. Maybe they're all on Prozac or Zoloft or whatever the latest generation of antidepressant is. Maybe I should be. But I'm not content. My kids piss me off frequently. I don't know if this is the right thing to do. And I know, beyond any doubt, that I want More out of my life. I even know some of what that looks like. But I can't see how to get there from here. My kids need me relentlessly. They are little, even the "big" one. They need, need, need, all the time. I am never "off." I hate my husband, not for doing anything especially wrong (which he sometimes does), not for being an insensitive jerk (which he sometimes is). I hate him because I resent him for not being my replacement. There is no way around this. Do I love my children? Hell fucking yes I love them, like stops-my-breath love them. Do I wish I hadn't had them? Don't be fucking stupid. But these constraints are real, and sometimes it just sucks.

After breaking my writing silence yesterday, and noticing how impressively ginormous was my writer's block, I have decided that it would probably be a good idea if I forced myself to write here daily, even if it's just two sentences of utter drivel. Hell, no one is reading this damn thing anyway, what difference does it make? I could say anything, who's going to see it? Sure, I secretly wish I could make a small living blogging, but how the hell could that happen when I go for more than a year without writing? Stupid. So I'm going to write crap into a vacuum and see how often I can manage to do it. Gah.

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Blogger The Hubbards said...

I'm reading your blog. And I LIKE it. It is important to get it out. The truth is everything you feel all stay at home mom's feel - most of us just act like we are doing ok - most of us resent our husbands for not being us and stuck in our roles - what I try to focus on is setting myself up to not ALWAYS be the PRIMARY care taker - they will eventually grow up and hopefully move the hell out. I'm back working a little more than part time and homeschooling and I wish more than anything I was home all the time - not to be a parent, but because I want to create stuff, but for now I have outlets to get my creativity out, but I haven't always and I've never been open about how I was feeling before I figured it out for myself. Your openness could spark a lot more mom's out there to be more honest with themselves. Mothering is fucking hard. There is balance to it all and it is so often is hard to strike that balance and hold onto it. WRITE WRITE WRITE write everything you feel. At least one friend is reading it and supporting it. Truthfully, I wish more mom's were open about how hard it is to never be "off." The way we have dealt with this (mind you our kids are 10 and almost 12) is that at 9:00 they can't ask me for anything else AT ALL. At 9:30 I go to my room sometimes with a whole bottle of wine and shut the door and I am off duty. Jason and I also have an agreement that if I'm pissy (which is often) that he has to take the reins, but of course he never does it as well as me, but I've had to really let go of my attachment to him parenting like me. Sometimes it means the next day I have a little extra house work, but, more often than not it will have been worth it for me to get to breathe a little. Keep writing, keep it real, Julia, the world will appreciate it one mom at a time.

8:13 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

You came back! :) Don't beat yourself up too much, you're awesome. & Blogging can be a chore indeed. (I've only managed to touchdown on my blog about once a month lately-I think, oh I'm going to write that down! then kid stuff comes up & it leaves my mind...)
Glad you're blogging again!

9:37 AM  
Blogger Chelsea said...

Hi! Your long lost due-date buddy from 3 years ago was happy to see you pop up on my google reader the other day. I read this nodding knowingly and am happy to get a little glimpse into your life.
Looking forward to reading more from you!

3:12 PM  
Blogger J.S. said...

Chelsea!!! good to "see" you!

Thanks Kat :)

Sarah, *yes*! that's really what I hope to accomplish, to say what moms often won't so it gives another permission to acknowledge what she's going through. thank you for letting me know it's working :)

12:09 PM  

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